This post is sort of in response to another (linked here), but it’s also because this is something I’ve been thinking heavily on lately. If you’d asked me eight or ten years ago—when I first began seriously thinking about marriage, what it means, what kind of person I want to be with—this post would contain considerably different answers to the question “what does a godly woman want in a man?” Not that I’m exactly old and wizened at near 25; but I have learned a LOT about relationships, men, women, and love since I was a teenager, and I think I have a little better perspective on the subject now. So without further ado, gentlemen, here’s what a woman with Christ at the center of her life is looking for:
First and foremost, she needs a man who can be the spiritual leader of their household. While that doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean you have to be perfect (or even saintly), it does mean that if you don’t have a thriving, growing relationship with the Lord, she’ll have a hard time seriously considering you for a life partner. The thing to remember here is “thriving and growing.” You probably can’t impress her with your “spirituality” by showing off your Original Greek, smacking “sinners” upside the head with a Bible, or otherwise trying to use your “God Card.” She will generally see through that, and for us (okay, well, for me at least), that is a bigger turn-off than a guy who’s just a straight up heathen.
Secondly, a girl needs to know she’s safe; and not just in a physical sense, but emotionally too. Guys, this doesn’t mean you need to tell her she’s beautiful every five seconds, and it doesn’t mean you have to fear every word that comes out of your mouth, BUT…it does mean make sure she knows you care about her, not just her body, and it also means letting her see that you like her in spite of (or perhaps even because of) her shortcomings. Even a perfectly secure, confident woman will feel vulnerable when she screws up in front of a man she hopes to impress. Letting her know that its okay to fail around you will win you HUGE brownie points. At the same time, keep in mind that pushing her to do better will show you believe in her, and have the same confidence-boosting power that a gentle acceptance of failure will. Let her fail, but don’t expect it, and believe in her ability to be a better person than she already is!
Lastly, and hear me out on this one before you cry “HERESY” and throw your computer out the window:
Most women, even (maybe especially) Christian women, want a guy with a little bit of a wild side.
DON’T FREAK OUT.
What I mean by that is that most of us want someone we can relax with, have fun with, who’ll push us out of our comfort zones and do crazy things with us. We want someone who is able to enjoy himself, and enjoy us, sometimes in a less-than-prim-and-proper way. By wild side, I do not mean a guy who is a drunk, or drug addict, or a gangsta, or sleeps with anything female that offers herself to him…but the ability to let go of all his responsibilities and just BE with her, have fun with her, laugh unabashedly with her—that will go far, gentlemen.
So to review: be godly, have your focus foremost on Christ, accept her as she is, and be able to have fun. While I don’t guarantee this will have women flocking to your doorstep, I do think it’ll make for an easier time when the right one comes along.
One last word, for my bros: most of my friends are guys, and a common lamentation I hear that I’d like to address is that “good guys don’t get the girl.” Hollywood is no help, as they actually encourage this idea, as does most of our society. I’ve actually witnessed women rejecting good men because they “don’t feel a spark” or “they’re just not fun enough, exciting enough, blah blah enough…” So guys, no, I don’t think your pain and complaint is entirely without foundation, but coming from a gal who longs desperately for a good guy: PLEASE don’t change. I know I can’t be the only one looking for someone like you, and if you change, all you’ll get for your trouble is an airheaded bimbo who just wants a good time. I know it’s tough, trust me, being the ‘good girl’ is tough too…but I promise you there’s a girl out there looking for a man like you. Don’t pass her by while you’re busy bemoaning your bad luck, yeah?
On that note, one quick word of admonition for the ladies: girls, let’s not be that shallow little brat that rejects a guy because “he’s my friend, it’d be too weird!” or “He’s not as good looking as Bradley Cooper, I’m just not attracted to him!” If there is one thing I have learned in the last ten years, it is that attraction—the butterflies and weak knees—is fickle. It can’t be trusted as a barometer for whether someone is “The One” because it’s too fleeting, too many factors affect it. You can find something attractive about a man one day, and despise that very thing the next. Does that mean you’ll end up married to someone you don’t find attractive (oh the horror!)?? Actually, no. Because something amazing happens: the more you truly love someone, the more attractive they look to you. Maybe love really IS blind, and I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it myself, but you can find someone utterly unattractive, get to know them, learn to care for them, and the deeper you care, the better they look. I swear, it’s the craziest thing, but it’s true. So don’t write off your best friend because he has braces or pimples or a big nose. If he asks for it, give him a chance, pray about it, and see where it leads.
He could be exactly what you’ve been looking for.
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