Someone once asked me what it must be like to live inside my head. Since it's all I really know, it was a strange question to try to answer, but it did get me thinking. There are a couple of things I know for sure about Meg's Brain, and one of them is precisely where I'm going with this.
My head is a place of constant motion. The idea that people can just stop and think of nothing is completely unfathomable to me; in my mind, there's always stories, lessons, questions, logic, solutions, thoughts chasing themselves around in a flurry of activity. Most of the time, I love it there; I'm used to it, I never get bored--because if I do, I just sic my brain on a new problem or a new story and let it run wild--and despite my many faults, I do tend to operate more on logic than emotion, which I see as a good trait.
But (there's always a but) it does have its downsides. I need to have (or be able to come up with) answers quickly, I need a takeaway for every situation in my life, because otherwise it seems pointless and confusing. I haven't posted on this blog in nearly seven months because my mantra seems to be "if you don't have it all figured out, keep your mouth shut until you do," and my life has been anything but simple recently. And if something isn't going right in a specific area of my life, all that brain activity becomes some mad scramble to find an answer, a solution, something I can do to fix it right freaking now. And that, my friends, is where I'm going to camp for a second.
Remember that mantra I have? That doesn't just apply to blogging. I find myself refusing to ask for help--from my Heavenly Father or my earthly family and friends--until I've got, in my mind, a handle on the issue. Don't come empty-handed to anyone, always have something to offer, even if it's only a tentative solution. Or at least a basic understanding of the root of the problem.
Who among us has their problem figured out before they ask for help? It's a crazy idea, right? And I promise you, it's exactly as successful as you imagine it would be--which is to say, not. It results in me placing all my brainpower toward a weakness or situation, and more often than not, I end up logicking (is that a word? It is now.) myself into a mental corner where my own misunderstandings and faulty reasoning reign supreme. Then I get overwhelmed and I know I need someone to help me but I have nothing to offer yet so I can't ask for help because I have to get this straight in my head first...
You see the issue here.
A dear friend spoke to me about this this week. Apparently, I'm not the only person in the world whose head is a sorta-wacky place (and isn't that a relief to know?), and she was able to get through to me with one simple word I want to pass onto you now:
Breathe.
Just for a day (your problem will still be there tomorrow, don't worry), don't think about that specific issue.
Breathe.
If it comes to mind, deliberately put it aside and think about something else.
And just breathe.
I've long since learned not to scoff at solutions that seem odd, so I agreed to do this without question (if it didn't work, my problem would still be there tomorrow, no harm done really). It was simple, but not easy.
And I did it. For 24 hours, I refused to think about the particular issue that has had me backed into a mental corner for the last few weeks. Instead, I focused on the world springing to life outside my window, on the sunshine that warmed my cheeks, on the simple joy of a child discovering something new. I let myself be completely present where I was, whether that was at work or at home with my family. I prayed, but not about that issue; I just...talked to my Father, thanked him and praised him and asked him about anything except that one thing. For a day, there was no monstrous issue hanging over my shoulder, and I just breathed.
At the end of that 24 hour period, something amazing had happened. I was so much more relaxed than I had been in months; I felt restored, able to see more clearly, and suddenly that massive ogre of a problem seemed much more manageable.
Was it a giant? Sure, but I was equipped with a sling and some river stones. And since when do you need more than that to slay a giant?
All that to say: this week I learned how to breathe, and it's a lesson I don't want to forget. In that same vein, I think I'm going to toss that mantra of mine (it's never really served me well anyway) and let myself not have all the answers sometimes.
And I think I'm going to change the way I run this blog, too. It's always been about takeaway, about having something to say that ties up an issue in a nice little package with a nice little bow for my readers. But that's not real life, and if there's anything I've learned about being undaunted, it's that you have to face real life head on in order to do it. So going forward, posts will come more often--but they'll probably contain more questions than answers. Everything may not come together and I may not be able to give you a simple lesson to take away.
Because I've got it all figured out now:
I don't have to have it all figured out.
